IT WAS two alarming events that spurred Altona author Dean Mason to write about the grief and trauma of divorce.
On May 13 last year, ex-SAS soldier Michael Fox climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge to protest against being denied access to his children after separation.
Four days later, Paul Rogers murdered his estranged fiance and her friend at Robina on the Gold Coast, before killing his five year-old daughter and himself.
Titled Daddy’s OK: Fathers’ stories of separation and divorce, Mr Mason’s book tells the true stories of 14 men affected by divorce.
Mr Mason, who divorced 15 years ago, says life is “good now”. He found the best way to deal with his “personal anguish” was to help others, so about eight years ago he started volunteering with Dads in Distress Support Services.
“The best way I can describe it, it’s a trauma, like a serious accident or losing a loved one,” he said. “It’s absolutely grieving.
“What the professionals say about trauma is that we’ve got three instinctive responses: that’s to fight, or we run (so that’s flight), and the third one that’s not often talked about is to freeze. That’s where emotionally you just shut down. You just don’t let anyone in because it’s too painful.
“See, as blokes, we’re brought up to be tough, to be out there … just get on with it.
“So when you go through this emotional stuff, you’ve got no tools to ‘get on with it’.
“Many women say – because about 70-80 per cent of the splitting is initiated by the woman – that often they’ve been trying for a couple of years to get through to this guy because there are issues that need to be addressed.
“And after a couple of years she says, that’s it, I’ve had enough, I can’t bash my head against a brick wall, I can’t get through to you so I just have to live my life and there’s a lot of support around me to live my life and I will. And when she delivers that news, the guy says, ‘What are you talking about, I thought we were happy’.”
Mr Mason, who has three adult children from his first marriage and a stepson with his wife, said a fifth of Australia’s five-million children under 17 lived with only one natural parent, and in 80per cent of cases it was with the mother.
“In the work I do in the community, I’m so conscious of the anguish that people are experiencing that’s not being listened to.”
For confidential 24-hour support, ring MensLine on 1300789978.
